then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He better not be in your backpack
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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