its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
