I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
