So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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