Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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