i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
