I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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