mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
