When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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