Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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