Your face is a jimmy john
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
