1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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