The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
