I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
