Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
