Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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