ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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