There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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