I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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