I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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