Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
