Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize