You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
