Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
