i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I looked at my own cervix.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
