3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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