Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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