I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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