the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
