She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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