apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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