Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
