I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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