She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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