I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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