My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize