I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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