Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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