i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Randomize
