can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i think my mom watched the whole time
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
