There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
