no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
