Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
