you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
