I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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