hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
