im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
