she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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