you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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