He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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