he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
