i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
