i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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