You really coming over, don't trick.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
