drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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