i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
