I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
