My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
