Someone shit on the floor
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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