You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
