laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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