I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize