I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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