so that wasnt chicken after all
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
